Shame is easily understood as the fear of being excluded, of being left outside. There is something about me that if other people know or see, will I not deserve to be part of the group? The only people who do not feel shame are those who have no capacity for empathy or connection. Nobody wants to talk about it, and the less talk, more ashamed. What sustains this shame: "I'm not good enough, thin enough, rich enough, pretty enough, smart enough, successful enough." The basis of this is excruciating vulnerability, this idea that, to be accepted, we must allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.

Some people have a strong sense of love and sense of belonging, while others struggle to have such feeling, wondering if they are good enough. Only one variable separates them. People with a strong sense of love and belonging believe they deserve love and belonging. The only thing that keeps us disconnected  is our fear that we are not worthy of acceptance.

What those people with a sense of belonging have in common? They are whole-hearted, confident, sincere, authentic. A sense of courage to say who they are with all their heart, courage to be imperfect. They have the compassion to be gentle with themselves first, and also to others,

They are connected as a result of their authenticity. They are willing to abandon the idea of who they are thought to be, who they should be, in order to be who they are. That's what you have to do to connect: embracing vulnerability completely, even if it is not comfortable. Having the availability of saying "I love you", doing something when there is no guarantees, breathing while awaiting the outcome of the medical examination. Be willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work.

The vulnerability is the core of shame and fear, struggle for worthiness, but it is also the source of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.

keeps us disconnected  is our fear that we are not worthy of acceptance.
What those people with a sense of belonging have in common? They are whole-hearted, confident, sincere, authentic. A sense of courage to say who they are with all their heart, courage to be imperfect. They have the compassion to be gentle with themselves first, and also to others,
They are connected as a result of their authenticity. They are willing to abandon the idea of who they are thought to be, who they should be, in order to be who they are. That's what you have to do to connect: embracing vulnerability completely, even if it is not comfortable. Having the availability of saying "I love you", doing something when there is no guarantees, breathing while awaiting the outcome of the medical examination. Be willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work.
The vulnerability is the core of shame and fear, struggle for worthiness, but it is also the source of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.
What are we doing with our vulnerability? Why do we struggle so much with her? We numb our vulnerability, when we are seeking to be accepted by others.   What makes you feel vulnerable? Having to ask for help to my husband because I'm ill, start sex with my husband / wife; being fired, to fire someone; await the outcome of the medical examination; this is the world in which we live. We live in a vulnerable world. And one of the ways we deal with it is numbing vulnerability. We are more indebted, obese, addicted to drugs and medications...
You cannot selectively numb some emotions. You cannot say here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment, and I do not want to feel it. I'll take a beer, eating a muffin, not to feel it. We cannot numb only some feelings, some emotions selectively. Also numb joy, gratitude, happiness. So we are unhappy, looking for purpose and meaning in life, and then we feel vulnerable, and had a few beers and ate muffin. It is a dangerous cycle.
Why and how to numb us? Another thing we do is we turn certain what is uncertain. Religion turned from faith and mystery to certainty. I'm right, you're wrong. The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, and we fear most. This is how politics works today. No more talk, no more talk. There is just blame as a way of discharging the pain and discomfort.
We have perfected and, even more dangerously, we perfected our children. When holding a baby in our arms, our role is not to say, "Look at him, he's perfect.  My job is to keep her perfect, make her successful." Our role is to look and say. "You are imperfect, but you deserve love and belonging".
We pretend that what we do has no effect on people. We do this in our lives. We do this in our business - whether a rescue operation in oil spill, or a recall - pretending that what we're doing does not have a huge impact on other people. We need to be authentic and say: "Sorry. We'll fix it".
But there is another way: let ourselves be deeply, vulnerably seen, love with all our heart even though there are no guarantees - and this is very difficult. Practice gratitude and joy in moments of fear when we think: "Should I love so much? Should I believe it with such passion? Should I be so confident about that?" and just be able to stop, instead of catastrophizing what could happen, and say: "I'm just so grateful, because feeling vulnerable means I'm alive".
 And the last thing, which is probably the most important, is that we must believe we are sufficient. When we started with a feeling that "I am sufficient" then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder to the people around us, and we are more kind and gentle with ourselves.

(See in full in http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability )